i don't think a child should know.

it makes sense to just give up.
i'm too hung up on my past to have anything to do with you.

failure

i came on here to write a story, and now i just feel too sick to do it.
instead, i'll complain.
i don't know what to do for my 21st birthday because in the time between my last one and this one, i've lost all of my friends. i really only have about 2 that would come, and neither of them will be old enough to go out with me. so it looks like dinner with the family and a ceremonial trip to a liquor store alone? so much for the huge party my uncle keeps trying to plan at some club, i'd be one of those sweet 16 girls who's so terrible no one even wanted to be on mtv if it meant being around her.
by the by,
i'm sick.

what satisfaction can thou have tonight?

i took a vicoden and it's helping my cramps, but not my 4 page paper writing abilities. i'm sweaty.

be still my beating heart.

man, sometimes shit just sucks, and there's no getting around it.
it's officially passed the two month marker for me being unemployed. i can't fucking do this anymore. cutting it real close to having to apply at mcdonalds.
on the lighter side, i'm doing great in school. i need to see an adviser to talk about next semester though and if i'll have my scholarship back. i can't afford another almost 3 years without it. or how ever long it will take me, i don't even know.

stop thinking about the past, it only brings up bad memories. the good ones come when you think about the future.

i need to take my own advice.

so miniscule

albeit halloween is just one day out of the year, it's usually my favorite. this year, however, was dismal in comparison to previous years. i didn't have a costume, for starters. second, i didn't do anything outside of going to my dads house and taking audrie around to about 10 houses. i can't really complain because if i really wanted to go out, i would have found someone who wanted to take me along, and if no one else wanted to invite me then obviously i wasn't wanted. oh well. i watched the divinci code and ate good food, and way too much candy because when i finally got invited somewhere i turned it down from the feeling in my stomach (not unlike the feeling of wanting to explode). maybe next year will be better.

just A DREAM

i had such a strange dream last night, and the more i think about it the less i remember it, and by the time i finish this sentence i'll probably have forgotten it already. yep. all i know is there was something about me owning a company and then this crazy love story like from a romantic comedy from 7 or 8 years ago, and people were judging me because of the way i did my eye makeup. who the fuck knows.

i fucking hope ann taylor calls me back god damnit. if not, i'm at the end of my rope.

i voted yesterday. it wasn't as cool as i thought it would be. i guess i didn't really expect it to be cool, but, this was the first time i could actually vote and i thought maybe i'd feel a little bit more excited. but then again, i've never really gotten excited about anything before, so nothing new there. i voted for barr, and i wore my libertarian sticker around campus so all of the crazy obama kids would stop harassing me, and a couple of them started to tell me where to vote and i said i already did, and they asked if it was for obama and i just pointed to the sticker and they looked at me like, really? haha whatever. just because he wont get elected doesn't mean i can't exorcise my right to choose. i was really surprised that there weren't more student republicans out electioneering, i know a few people, well maybe a little more than a few, who are voting mccain. they could have gotten more votes if they could have gotten rid of some of the masses of obama kids who were seriously stationed every 5 feet all over campus, shoving flyers in your face and asking you if you've voted as you're walking out of the voting trailer with your "I Voted!" sticker on. yeah, pay the fuck attention.

i didn't die

so i must have voted. i have my sticker, and my libertarian sticker. and i got a free rice crispy treat.

i think separation is ok

i will disappoint you.

i had another job interview today. hopefully her enthusiasm actually comes through unlike the last one. i think i did well, i looked good and told her everything she was looking for, plus a little extra personal information to make a connection, perfect execution.

i'm sitting at my dads because audrie and lorrie are out of town and he wanted me to come hang out with him, but he started watching football and fell asleep on the couch. i really miss living here, it was a thousand times easier than where i'm at now, and i feel so much more at home here. just the house and the things in it and the colors and the smells, this is my home. i remember lisa coming in the front door, and smelling the air and looking satisfied every time she came over, because she said my house had a certain smell and she wished she could bottle it and sell it. i had no idea what she was talking about until i moved out, and i miss that smell so much. hopefully audrie will enjoy my room as much as i did, and have as many amazing memories in there as i had. there were some bad ones too, but i learned from them and i know she will too. a lot of firsts in that room. from love to hate.

i'm starting to get impatient about leaving las vegas. i'm supposed to wait until i graduate and have my teaching license, but i don't think i can wait that long. i want to go now, and start living. i just feel like there's so much more out there than this little town where everyone knows everyone and you can't let go of anything because drama is all we have to occupy us.


I AM BORED BECAUSE I FEEL MUCH OLDER.

at best

to underestimate the consequences gives strength to the aggressor. don't think it's so bad? they'll show you bad. redistribution progresses from wealth to life, life giving liberties. they don't deserve it, but now earning has become an archaic ability. need takes over ownership. the weak pull up, bringing the strong further and further down with them. equality at the basic level. not bringing the bottom up, but pulling the top down. suffrage turns to suffering. freedom all around, in speeches and theory, but never in practice. for the greater good? yes, the good, but not the greater. selflessness takes hold, a stronger grip than ever imagined. can't becomes Kant, more frightening than the forces pushing in around the individual.

unburritable.

i really want chipotle right now. but i guess i'll deal with my almond granola cereal because i'm broke and really have no fucking choice in the matter. eating what you want and eating what you have really are two completely different things. i will be so excited when i finally have money to spend on food again. i'm taking myself out to dinner as soon as i can. no one is invited. i'm going to go by myself and order whatever the fuck i want and just enjoy myself. i'll probably just look like a lonely fat girl going out by herself, and i guess that's true, but at this point, i would kill for it.

the job i had the interview for the other never called me back, which is a major bummer, but oh well. i have another interview tomorrow at ann taylor, and lauren works there so hopefully they'll be nice and give me a job because she's nice. at this point, if i don't get a job in like a week or two, i'm going to apply at mcdonalds. it's getting that bad. and i never thought it would be. welcome to real life, i guess.

i feel so sick.

i just got some stuff to make my halloween costume but i'm too lazy to sew it. i ate way too much just now, i'm possibly going to be sick. i hate when i do that. i guess it's not that i ate too much, i just ate it in a really short amount of time and now i'm so tired and just fucking miserable. i'm also really sick of your shitty attitude. i didn't ask for it to end up the way it did, but don't go back on the things you said about how it would all work out somehow, and it wouldn't be something completely awkward that neither of us wants to deal with anymore. it's been too long and i'm getting too old for this.

in other news, i saw the antichrist while i was volunteering. she stared me down like no body's business and didn't even bother to hide it. quite a good way to start off a night surrounded by people with guns.

i helped raise $5200

i just sat at a claim jumper for 7 hours raising money for "shop with a cop" for the NLVPD. money for terminally ill kids to go christmas shopping. but don't go start thinking that i'm some kind of charitable person who actually cares about others. i was lured under false pretenses. and got free food.

like, i'll teach ya how to swim

if you turn the bad in me into good again.

my great day just went down the drain for no apparent reason.

i think way too much.

i've been waiting since birth to find a love that looks and sounds just like a movie.

it's awesome to know that as i grow older and find things about myself and understand why i think the way i do, i learn how much of a bitch i really am. i hate people, and yet i can't be alone. how am i supposed to project to the world that i care when i don't, at all?

i need someone who hates me just as much as i hate them.

we are the U.S.S.A.

I hope you're ready for socialism, comrade!

awesome amazing day.

so i've been having a really shitty, well about 2 months now, and today, the clouds parted a little. i had an interview for a job that i could show up to anytime between 11:00 and 3:00, which is great, for anyone else but me. i have class from 11:30 to 3:45 on thursdays. well i decided to skip the class in the middle and head over there. i left my 11:30 class a little early because my english professor is completely in love with me, based solely on my brain of course, and lets me do whatever the hell i want in there. so i go to the interview, the girl thinks i'm great, says she'll call me either tonight or tomorrow to let me know whats up. so i go back to school for my math class, which usually is just shy of suicide because although i may be insufferably smart sometimes, numbers make me sick. i get to class, and he starts handing back our test from the week before. i'm literally expecting at most a D. i got a fucking B. i almost started crying i was so happy. then we go on to a new chapter, and i get everything he says, i don't need anything repeated, and i'm actually helping out the girl beside me. that NEVER EVER EVER fucking happens in math class. not since 8th grade algebra at least. not to mention, chelsea made me these amazing vegan chocolate coconut chocolate chip cookies and brought them to me this morning AND bought me a cup of coffee. and some kid from my womens studies class stopped me on campus today to tell me that he thinks 99% of the people with my haircut look like fucking idiots, but that i totally pull it off haha. the only explanation for how great today was, is the fact that i listened to Fergalicious on repeat in the car on the way to school. no other plausible reason, right? ;) haha OH SHIT, almost forgot. they were selling used books on campus today for 50 cents, and i bought two, in change of course. they smell amazing. not sure what they're called exactly, one is maaaaybe rational thought in an unrealistic world, the other is about consumer society in america.
high five to alex for having such a great day.

what, you actually have an opinion now?

someone asked me what was most important to me in the upcoming election. i was chastised when i didn't reply with abortion or gay marriage or gun control. not that those things aren't important to me. but more so than anything, the economy is. look at it this way. as far as presidential power goes, there isn't much. the economy is really one of the only areas a president has a lot of power. take abortion and gay marriage. who decides those things? congress. yes, the president may have the power to fill up to 400 government jobs, but he does not have the complete power to pack congress with mindless cronies who want nothing more than to take away all your civil liberties. if you really care about ethical issues like abortion or gay marriage, pay attention to you state elections and vote in a congressman or senator who will get you what you want in washington. the president does not control half of what they talk about in campaigns. they cannot, absolutely cannot, reduce taxes for 95% of you. it is physically impossible. they cannot, and never will, make a supreme law of the land that says only men and women can get married, and no one can kill their unborn babies. that is up to congress. the house and the senate. it has to pass through both of them. 100 senators and 435 congressmen. you really think that all 535 of them are going to agree on those very very important and touchy issues? not saying that they all have to agree, but not even enough of them ever would to make any sort of standing law. it will take at least another 50 years for anyone to get close to overturning roe v. wade, and as for now, it's up to the states to decide who can get married. if it's that big of an issue to you, move to SF or maryland, and get married there. i wish that it didn't matter, but it does, and it's a dumb move to be a one-issue voter. take into consideration the plausibility of the things you want, and understand the time frame in which they can be successful, if at all. also, if you want america to regain its power and all your freedom, let go of all of the nonsense bipartisanship and hyperpartisan voting. vote based on issues, not character. so what if you don't like the way someone looks or talks, look at how they vote in congress and what they think about the issues that they actually have an impact on if elected into office.

introduction.

this video makes me very happy, and always will. this will be my child one day.
i guess i'm pretty lame for making two posts in like 20 minutes, but fuck you.
let's get to know each other. i sit at home everyday that i'm not in school.
i sit around and read. and read. and read. i read when i could be outside, i read when i could be doing laundry, i read when i could be cleaning my room, i read when i could be hanging out with actual human beings. sometimes i paint. but only when i really want to loathe myself. it's like a self-deprecation ritual i have. feel like shit? go paint something and make it worse! oh, and i eat. boy do i eat. i get bored and i have cereal. i get sad i have cereal. ok maybe not always cereal. i like toast too. speaking of food. i can't stop watching the damn food network. i sit around all day watching it, but have no food in my house to cook. i constantly ask people if i can cook for them if they buy some groceries, and they never take me up on it. i'm not talking like macaroni and cheese, i mean like real food. i really want to make these beef and veal meatballs stuffed with gouda cheese with spinache mashed potatoes. come on! the only person even slightly interested is chase, but even then he'll never actually ask me to cook for him. tv. i don't really like tv. i watch it, but i get bored so easily. i watch the food network. i watch the discovery channel, a lot. i watch the history channel too. i watch TLC and bravo because i like people to tell me i'm ugly and don't know what clothes look good. i watch cartoon network because deep down i'm really 5 years old and i love cartoons. i watch spongebob. maybe that's because i have a 5 year old sister. i like to tell myself that, but i know i watch them at home without her. we don't even watch cartoons when i go over to her house. i like to argue with people. mostly things that no one else likes to even talk about. religion, politics, philosophy, ethics. people think that their opinions are always right and true and moral and don't want to even hear mine. or maybe it's because i'm a pushy bitch who doesn't give a shit what you say because i think you're all fucking retarded. probably that one. i'm a crazy radical that should be kept away from children. also this blog is completely fucking ridiculous and i'm sure no one has read down this far. if you have, go kill yourself you have no more of a life than me.

can't understand.

it's like reading a book and having it happen the day afterward.
no one is hiring right now, and it's officially been a month since i've been employed. i hate not working, i've always had a job since i was 16. i hate having to wait for my parents to slip me 20 bucks when i'm at their houses for dinner, i feel like a bum. but it's the only way i can put gas in my car to get to school. that's really the only thing i use money for right now. right when i get any, it goes straight into my car. and people still ask me to go out to eat or go see movies or go do shit that costs money when they know that i can't pay for it. i think they just want me to have to ask them for money, maybe i'm wrong i don't know. i guess not having money is making me bitter. not to say that i deserve any. i'm perfectly content with knowing that people who have jobs are better than me, and have earned their money, i just feel a little disconcerted in the fact that the economy is so bad in my town that i can't get a job to save my life.

report cards figuratively came in last week. midsemester grades went up online a few days ago. it's come down to three solid A's, a C, and my math grade isn't up but i can guarantee it's an F. the only graded material in that class so far has been a test and a quiz, and the test i didn't even finish, and the quiz, well, let's just say math isn't my forte. i know i can't do anything about that right now, but i'm disappointed in the C, it should be an A. i need to see a counselor about next semester and talk about my scholarship and make sure it wont cost as much as this semester.

i have 3 years left in vegas, at the most. hopefully less. then it's off to seattle. hopefully i can convince maybe 1 or 2 people to come with me so i wont be all alone in a huge city, but i think that might be what i need to begin with. i already found the school i want to teach at, and the area of town i want to live in. all i need is my goddamn teaching licence and i can get the fuck out of here. it will have been 24 years too long of a wait when it finally happens.

i'm really starting to get nervous about the election. i'm getting scared that obama's going to win. i'm getting scared that mccain's going to win. more so the former than the latter. i don't want to have to call everyone comrade, that's for sure. i still don't know who i'm voting for. i know writing my vote in is the same as not voting, and i really do have to pick one or the other, but choosing the lesser of two evils isn't a decision i'm ready to make. this is my first presidential election, but it's slowly looking like my last unless next time someone (cough ron paul cough) gets more recognition and actually has a shot. oh but wait, he's "too political" for american politics. fucking say that again and tell me it isn't the most ridiculous sentence you've ever spoken. too political for politics? who do you want as a politician, a farmer? a basketball player? a fucking austrian actor? jesus christ, politicians know a little bit more about politics than you do, i'd let them do their jobs. if anyone is uncertain about what america is turning into, i recommend reading ayn rand's atlas shrugged. not only is it the best book i've ever read in my entire life, it's a great example of what is happening to our nation right now.

p.s. livejournal is dead.